Keep Showing Up

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. Not because I haven’t had anything to say, but because life has been full. A lot has been going on, and sometimes when you’re in the middle of it, writing about it takes a back seat to just getting through the day.

My childhood home recently sold after 46 years of being in the family. That still feels strange to say. That house held so much life, so many memories, and so many different versions of all of us. It was more than a house. It was the place I grew up, the place my parents built their life in California, and the place we all came back to through so many seasons. Now that chapter has closed.

Around the same time, I found out my van was a lemon. And because I live full-time in a van, that was not a small thing. For most people, a van problem is already stressful. For me, it was also my home. Thankfully, it was covered under California’s lemon law, and the manufacturer bought it back. That was a huge blessing, and I don’t take that lightly. But then I had to figure out what came next. Since I live in a van full-time, I needed another van. This time I went with a Ford Transit, and honestly, I feel really grateful. I’m very happy with it. It feels like a new start and a chance to build something again.

The challenge is, I’m now building out the van while living in it. And that has been humbling. There’s no extra room to spread everything out, and no house to sleep in while the van is torn apart. I’m literally living inside the thing I’m trying to build. So every little project takes more effort. I have to move things around just to make space, work on one small section, then move everything back so I can sleep. Then the next day, I do it again.

It can be frustrating, but it’s also teaching me a lot. I keep thinking about how life brings things out of you when you’re challenged. Not always right away. Sometimes in the moment it just feels hard. But then little by little, you start realizing you can do more than you thought. You learn what really matters and what doesn’t. You learn what you actually need and what you can live without. You learn how much you’re capable of when life doesn’t give you the easy version.

I’ve had a lot of little aha moments lately. Not big dramatic ones, just quiet realizations while I’m moving things around in the van, driving somewhere, sitting by the ocean, or trying to figure out the next step. I’m realizing that setbacks don’t always mean something is going wrong. Sometimes they teach you. Sometimes they slow you down enough to pay attention. Sometimes they show you parts of yourself you didn’t know were there.

I’m not saying I enjoy the hard parts. I don’t. There are plenty of days I feel tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, or just over it. There are days I don’t want to do the work. There are days I skip things. But overall, I’ve been showing up. And I think that’s the part I’m most proud of. Not because I’m doing everything perfectly, but because I haven’t quit.

For a while, I felt like my mind didn’t have space to write. I was just handling what was in front of me. The van, the house selling, life changes, family stuff, work, money, and everything else in between. It takes a lot of mental energy to keep going through all of that. But now things are starting to settle a little, and I can feel myself wanting to express where I’m at again.

And the truth is, I feel grateful. I feel joy. I feel excited. There has been so much progress over the last couple of months, even if it didn’t always feel like progress while I was in it. Sometimes you don’t realize how far you’ve come until you look back and see everything you had to walk through to get here.

I keep thinking about the times in my life when I felt like there was no hope. But even then, there were always these little twinkles of hope. Small signs. Small wins. Small reminders that maybe things were still moving in the right direction. And the more I kept showing up, the more those little pieces of hope started to grow.

I really believe that if you keep putting in the work, God gives you the gifts you’re working toward. But you still have to keep showing up. Even when you don’t want to. Even when it feels slow. Even when nobody sees it. Even when you feel behind. I don’t always want to, and I definitely don’t always get it right, but I’m still here. I’m still trying. I’m still learning.

So that’s where I am right now. Living in a van, building it out as I go, learning every day, and feeling humbled by all of it. My life is not perfect. My van is not finished. I still have a lot to figure out. But I feel grateful, and I feel like something good is taking shape.

And for now, I’m going to keep showing up until I can’t anymore.